10: PLAN YOUR LOCATION
An auditorium may be outside your budget, especially considering how broke you're going to be post-divorce. Forget doing this in a kitchen, restaurant or shed (too many stabbing implements about). Try the living room. I'm pretty sure you can survive a leap through the front window.
9: BRING AN AUDIENCE
Stop moping. You can make a night of it. Tell people that you're going to be hosting a Windows 7 House Party, but surprise guests with pointy hats that read: "Robert Admits His Indiscretions 2009." Your soon-to-be-ex will love it. And a half-dozen witnesses are a great hindrance to violence.
8: TELEVISE IT
Who ever got seriously hurt on TV? Well, Lee Harvey Oswald. But let's remember that he refused to confess. Totally his fault.
Be sure everyone involved is aware that all of this is being filmed. First reason: Safety. Second reason: Video evidence makes future depositions a snap.
7: MAKE THINGS FUN
Remember Dave's first words: "I have a little story. Do you want to hear a story?" Ooh, ooh, a story! Yes, please! What's it about?! Sordid hookups in the back seat of your Dodge Intrepid. Er. All right. But are there any fairy princesses? No, a dominatrix named Groovella doesn't count.
6: WRITE IT DOWN
Letterman referred several times to notes during his monologue. Now, you just want to bang away at talking points here: "Really sorry." "Remember how much we enjoyed being poor when we met?"
5: HIT YOUR KEY WORDS
"Creepy" sounds awful. At the outset, keep saying "creepy" over and over again, as Letterman did. Just when you've got her convinced that you have a secret human-ear collection, drop the good news on her: "Hey honey, I'm only sleeping with your sister."
4: ZINGERS
Self-deprecating humour is a wonderful way to misdirect towering, destructive rage. Try to plant a few jokes between the heartbreaking admissions. "And I said to your sister, if you think that's funny, wait until I take off my pants." Zing!
3: BRING A WINGMAN
Maybe you have a friend who can make reassuring sounds in the background, à la Paul Shaffer. When you mention how frightened you were of your blackmailing stalker, he will mumble, "My, my, my."
Later he may let you sleep in his garage.
2: THANK THE POLICE
Letterman gave shout-outs to every law enforcement officer currently at work in New York state. That sends one important message – I have not broken any civil laws.
1: QUASH FURTHER DISCUSSION
Like Letterman, your last words should be: "I don't plan on saying much more about this topic."
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