Makeup.

I'm not a fan.

I love when you're at the grocery store and you see a girl looking at the magazines at the checkout in disgust at what celebrities look like without their makeup on. I wonder if they think they look any different without theirs.

I've always had a deep dark fear of being involved with someone, loving how they look at night, going to bed and waking up in the morning and not recognizing the persons naked face.

Makeup like ... blue cheese, has a name that accurately describes the object it represents. Blue cheese is old cheese that has "blue" fungus growing on it. Makeup, allows you to makeup a face for the day, or mask for the evening. That's what I don't like.

Be who you are, don't hide behind makeup. How can I think you're beautiful or fall in love with you if you keep changing everyday? Chameleon.

I haven't even mentioned the fact that it gets on my clothes when I hug you, my pillow when you lay in my bed, it makes you look ugly when you cry, shiney when you take pictures and like a mannequin when piled on.

If I could ... I would order me a natural girl, real hair, real face, real blemishes, true skin tone, real breasts, real lips, real rear end and an even realler personality.

At the end of the night, everyones make up comes off.

Bathroom Etiquette

Lesson #1 - while I'm standing at the john, holding my manhood, this is not the time to ask me: How my day is going? What I'm doing for the weekend? What's this discoloration? Can I help? Why you so big? or any other question of that nature. As a matter of fact, you should say nothing! I've heard people compare "taking a leak" to having sex (in terms of the release and feeling of relaxation). Keep that in mind, when you think to "make conversation" while I'm trying to relieve myself.

Shit, Shave and Shower.

This is a public service announcement brought to you by the two grasshoppers, reminding you to shit, shave and shower before heading out on the town for the night.

Shit! because no one likes the discomfort of clenched butt cheeks while sitting down to dinner on a first date or trying to jam to that hot new song without the freedom to really get down.

Shave! because nothing matches a fresh outfit better than a fresher lineup or clean shaven babyface. (Ladies, I say shave but whatever you prefer, clean is the ultimate goal.)

Shower! c'mon this one needs no explanation. My mum used to say "not to put icing on gingerbread" meaning don't put deodorant or cologne on a dirty body. Let your clothes breathe and enjoy being out of the closet for the night.

SO again before you hit the town:

1. clean your bowel
2. groom your face or nether regions ... or both
3. clean your body

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by two grasshoppers.