2009 Fashion Police

1. Murses - What's that, you ask? A man's purse, European carry all, a man bag. All of which seem to have made a triumphant comeback this year replacing the long gone fanny pack. I don't know who thought this was necessary and what prey tell does a man need that can't fit in his pockets?


2. Bandito Scarves - You know what I'm talking about. The scarves that look like table cloths, usually in white and some printed pattern. Men, woman, children, celebrities, homeless, bankers, drug dealers, were all wearing them. I refused to succumb to the societal pressure and if you did too: Bravo!


3. Tight Pants - Ohhh how we at twograsshoppers have made our opinion of these garments known throughout the year. If your legs can't breath, if you can't bend your knees when you walk or can't sit down (like Kramer in that episode of Seinfeld), if you put your keys in your pocket and people across the room know you drive a Hyundai, they're too tight.


4. Wallet Chain - Why? Just Why? Because it provides extra security? NO! It will more likely get you roughed up. Imagine you're a pick pocket and you grab someones wallet, which has a chain attached to it extending to their belt, imagine your annoyance! You would likely pull your victim to the ground by this same leash and beat them for being so lame!


5. Nerd Glasses and attire - If you don't need glasses why are you wearing them? What's next using a wheel chair because it's easier than walking? Walking with crutches because you only stole the left shoe from Footlocker? You're sending false signals. You might actually have someone stop you and ask you a question because they think you're smart! Don't lead people on, nerd glasses for nerd, I mean people who are near or far sighted.

When ladies drink ... too much

As told from a female perspective ...

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATS US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ... or THE BATHMAT ?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

Can you think of any others that come to mind? Either from your own personal experience or stories you've heard? How do guys act and what do they do when they've had too much to drink?

Lyrical but business minded ...

Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real. Tupac

A coward dies a thousand deaths....a soldier dies once. Tupac

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*** on. Tupac

You don’t get what you deserve - you get what you negotiate. Jim Jones

For some reason, there's always a crowd full of clowns that love to pull you back. Misery loves company. Jim Jones

Work really hard and apply yourself in a way that when the job is done, you can look in the mirror and say, ‘I’ve exhausted all possibilities. I’ve done everything to make this right’. After that, let it go: It’s out of your control. Jay Z

Don’t make decisions based on the fear. Jay Z

I never allowed my fear to limit me. 50 cent

You can will yourself into a good space. 50 cent

Like from '97 when I started writing, it was full-time. Like every day I was writing music because I had no choice. If I was gonna stop hustling, then how was I gonna provide or continue the lifestyle that I created for my son's mom, my son and myself? 50 Cent

The only thing on a mind of a shark, is eat. Lil Wayne

If you blame something else for your pain then you're an asshole. Lil Wayne

I’m a grinder, I go hard. Sometimes I go so hard, I forget about myself. I might get in the zone and just spazz the f*** out and just go in and wake up a year later and I don’t even know because I just been grinding hard. I’m going to make sure my peoples straight. I got tunnel vision; got my eyes on the prize. I’m not coming up for air until I’m where I’m supposed to be. Young Jeezy

Success is achieved and maintained by those who try and keep trying. LL cool J

Keep it moving. Dizzee Rascal

Live life to the full and don’t give up on your dreams. Dizzee Rascal

You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do To Be Able To Do What You Wanna Do. Rick Ross

After you get up and go to work for twelve years without a paycheck or one hooptie, of course you get frustrated. But me being the hustler I was, I just sucked it up and took those bumps and bruises. And here I am today. I turned a mixtape into millions. Rick Ross

When you are running, there is a little voice in your head that tells you that you should quit. It says you’re too tired, your legs hurt, your lungs hurt. If you can learn how to defeat that little voice in your head, then you can learn how to not quit when things get hard in your life. Will Smith

I’ve never really viewed myself as particularly talented, where I excel is ridiculous,sickening work ethic. While the other guy is sleeping, I’m working. While the other guy is eating, I’m working. Will Smith

The first step before anyone else in the world believes it is that YOU have to believe it. Will Smith

I'm not afraid to die on a treadmill. I will not be outworked. You may be more talented than me. You might be smarter than me. And you may be better looking than me. But if we get on a treadmill together, you are going to get off first or I'm going to die. It's really that simple. I'm not going to be outworked. Will Smith

When I started in movies, I said, 'I want to be the biggest movie star in the world.' The biggest movie stars make the biggest movies, so [my producing partner James Lassiter and I] looked at the top 10 movies of all time. At that point, they were all special-effects movies. So Independence Day, no-brainer. Men in Black, no-brainer. I, Robot, no-brainer. Will Smith

Sometimes you feel tired,feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that s**t out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse. Eminem

You can do anything you set your mind to. Eminem

Conquer your shyness. Kanye West

To use is necessary. If you can't get used, then you're useless. Kanye West

Don't wait till you die to go to heaven. Rza

I’m going to learn from other men’s experience. And this is why we’ve got Bibles and Korans, and Bhagavad Gitas, and books like that. Because we’re getting other people’s experiences. So we’re getting access to this mind, so that our bodies can benefit from it. Rza

-Article courtesy of http://www.mycomeup.com/ - This website is HUGE!

The Office Christmas Party

I wish I went so I could give you all my informed opinion about this yearly ritual but I couldn't bring myself to do it. At least I can give you my honest take, as I always do.

For some reason the idea of schmoozing with my co-workers, who for the most part share nothing more in common than work, doesn't appeal to me. Trying to talk about everything else but for some reason the conversation always coming back to work.

Guy:"Thats a nice tattoo you have on your inner thigh, can I see it?"
Girl :"Oh, it's a cherry blossom tree. It runs up my thigh and around my pelvus ... Do you know what I hate, how Todd in IT is always tattooing the walls of our cubicles with "How to's" and "Frequently Asked Questions."

Me:"WHAT?!?!"

Pissing and moaning about one character or another, gossiping about office hookups or crushes, or everyone getting drunk and disorderly under the guise of having a "good time". It all seems very rehearsed to me.

Girl #1: "I hate how Molly is always trying to talk to George. Doesn't she know that's MY work husband? B!tC&!!"
Girl #2: "Eff Molly and Eff George ... literally ... hahaha ... now let's get some shots."
Girl #1: "Wooooo!!! ... shots shot shots"

Me: "WHAT?!?!?"

Why do people feel obligated to be friends with their coworkers? They must genuinely enjoy this persons company and convesation. They likely find that they do not spend nearly enough time together at work and that they'd love to extend their interaction after hours.

Don't get me wrong I'm not in opposition to people being friends with their coworkers, hanging out after work or even having a relationship with their secretary, boss or cleaning lady. I just wonder if it can be considered a real friendship. Would it still exist if either of or both of you no longer worked there?

"You shouldn't throw stones ...

... if you live in a glass house. If you've got a glass jaw, you should watch your mouth." -50 cent

I find it very interesting and more so ironic how people are so unforgiving and offended when someone else does the wrong thing and gets caught. The same wrong thing that they themselves are accustomed to doing. All of a sudden now, seems like they feel since the other person has been exposed they have been absolved of their sins and wrong doings.

Confused as to what I'm talking about? Here are a few examples...

1) the office flirt and admitted cheat (who won't leave her live in fiance/common law husband because they have pets together although she no longer loves him), has an opinion to give on the "adulterous Tiger Woods" and how "he should be ashamed of himself"

Umm .... really? You lost your opportunity to give an opinion when you started sleeping with Lenny from Accounting.

2) the overweight guy at the gym who spends all the time talking and socializing instead of running the Boston Marathon on the treadmill or climbing to the top of the CN Tower on the stairmaster, has an opinion to give on Charles Barkley gaining a lot of weight since he retired and Al Roker having his stomach stabled saying "go to the gym, if I can do it then so can you"

Umm... really? If your favorite waitresses from all of your favorite restaurants didn't workout at the gym, would you even be there?

3) the girl/chameleon/shapeshifter/makeup monster who is your friend by association, more of an acquaintance, questions your opinion of a beautiful woman at the party who you are about to approach, asking, "Does she really need to wear all that makeup? I'm sure she'd be prettier without it?"

Umm ... really? REALLY? You're opinion doesn't matter. You took a part time job at MAC makeup in the mall to get discounts on makeup, even though you are a successful lawyer making 6 figures a year. Your makeup collection has it's own room. The movies contact you to do the makeup for Aliens part 17. Your own mother doesn't recognize you some days ...

I'm done ...

At the very least I hope this was an education for some of you.

What do you guys think? Can you relate to what I'm talking about? Does the lady at your church who matches orange with purple and brown always have something to say about what "Miss Molly is wearing"?

Poetic Thoughts

It's easy to sit there and think you got it the worse.
The whole world is against you and you've been cursed.
Because, you had a bad day or even week or two.
Who's to say that someone else hasn't had it even worse than you.

Your parents tried all they could but still they poor.
That they tried all they could to keep you from walking out that door.
But you vowed to be nothing like them, you wanted more.
You'd either sell that work or get a team of whores.

People swear that once they get rich things will be all better.
No matter how much money you have you can't change the weather.
Like anything else it's just a means to an ends.
You can only drive one at a time, the Lex coupe, Beamer or the Benz.

Still you convince yourself that the reward is worth all the risk.
When you look down to see a wad of money in your fist.
Before handing it over to the angry man with the night stick.
As he ushers you into a cell where a cot and toilet can barely fit.

Another end of the world movie?!?!

In recent memory I question why are there so many movies about the end of the world?

Don't believe me ... think about it ... Armageddon, Independence Day, Day After Tomorrow, I am Legend and most recently 2012.

I think it's in order to instill fear in society and create greater dependencies on the system. Whoa, I know, some of you may think I'm reaching a little bit but think about it. Whenever you or someone has seen one of these movies leaves the theatre you can't help but wonder or think, "What if that really did happen?", "What if the world ended in 2012?". (SEE, now they have you thinking from a fearful perspective).

BUT, what I really think it's about especially in times like these, movies of this type are meant to ignite or spark the economy. If you are faced with you own mortality, most people are encouraged, motivated or eager to live what remaining life you have to the fullest. Buying that thing you always wanted, taking that trip you've been putting off, investing in something you always dream about.

So maybe these movies are a good thing, for the economy and overall morale. Maybe all movies should be about the potential destruction, demise, or obliteration of the Earth.

I still don't think so, but that's me ... what do you think?

Remember when ...

You were in high school and you used to make fun of those people that hung out in the art wing of the school? They dressed differently whether it was public school or catholic school and even if they wore uniforms.

Their makeup was a little darker, their clothes a little stranger, their hair was flourescent colours and often they were dirty or appeared unkept.

You know who those people are now?!

Todays musicians, artists, actors and actresses.

Think about how eccentric these celebrities that many of us "worship" are.

Public Service Announcement ... Buy a suit!

Men ... if you're serious about life, fashion and progress, I suggest you buy a suit.

This peice of clothing has more power than you may realize, it's the one outfit that is respected in all circles and social settings. (Think about it.)

Even a thug wears a suit to court or have to take cues from their lawyers who are suited up.

I challenge you to wear a suit to a wedding and I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself, look better and get noticed by woman who may not have normally looked twice at you.

Here are some examples ...

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by twograsshoppers suggesting you SUIT UP and while you're at it, buy a nice watch and a nice pair of shoes.

Remeber this game???

Woman with half shaved heads...

WHY ARE WOMAN HALF SHAVING THEIR HEADS?!?!?

Why are woman shaving their heads at all?

Unless you're going through chemotherapy, cutting off your jheri curls or dreads to start fresh, or are named Grace Jones, you should not be shaving your head, PERIOD!

Like everything else, once one person does it, it gradually starts to trickly down to the masses and the everybodies in our copycat society. Each day I go out or see pictures of peoples nights out, there are more and more half cropped female domes. Not cute.

It doesn't look good and when it has to grow out, it looks worst!

So what's going to happen, instead of looking "awkward" for a few weeks while your hair gradually forgives you for the trauma you've put it through, you'll get impatient and cut it again, likely shorter.

Take my advice ... don't do it!

Gossip Guy?

I think the modern man, gossips more than the woman.

Actually no wait, what we men do is not gossiping, it's more shit talking, bragging, boasting and trading war stories.

Woman gossip, questioning what someone at work was wearing, how her date stayed in the corner all night at the party, why would she cut her hair like that, the colour of her nails, the curvature of her eyebrows and on and on and on.

While the men I know are not quite that bad, yet, they do tend to have similar conversations: poking fun at their muscle bound friend who buys XS shirts, questioning the manhood of their friend who lets their girlfriend walk all over them, making fun of the mohawk hair style that one follower friend just had to get, questioning if any friend that has recently started going to the gym is on steroids or discussing peoples relationships starting with "If I were him, I'd...".

Now that I think about it, I wonder if this is in fact a problem of gossip or passing on information or more so one of JEALOUSY.

Actually no I don't wonder, I know that it is. The world or more so the city we live in, its one of people not being happy for you, what you have? are doing? Instead, questioning why you have what you have? or how you got where you are? how you got with that girl? did you really get with that girl? why you have more money than I? why you dress so fly?

I say be happy with who you are, instead of being jealous of someone else, let what you see in them be motivation if you want to attain or achieve the same success or material gains. As you move through life remember that if you think that you'd rather be someone else, realize that if you were to change places with someone, know that you would no longer have your problems TRUE, but you would then have their problems.

This holiday seasons film recommendation: Trading Places (w/ Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd).
While it's a comedy there is a lot to be learned from the events that transpire in the movie.

Makeup.

I'm not a fan.

I love when you're at the grocery store and you see a girl looking at the magazines at the checkout in disgust at what celebrities look like without their makeup on. I wonder if they think they look any different without theirs.

I've always had a deep dark fear of being involved with someone, loving how they look at night, going to bed and waking up in the morning and not recognizing the persons naked face.

Makeup like ... blue cheese, has a name that accurately describes the object it represents. Blue cheese is old cheese that has "blue" fungus growing on it. Makeup, allows you to makeup a face for the day, or mask for the evening. That's what I don't like.

Be who you are, don't hide behind makeup. How can I think you're beautiful or fall in love with you if you keep changing everyday? Chameleon.

I haven't even mentioned the fact that it gets on my clothes when I hug you, my pillow when you lay in my bed, it makes you look ugly when you cry, shiney when you take pictures and like a mannequin when piled on.

If I could ... I would order me a natural girl, real hair, real face, real blemishes, true skin tone, real breasts, real lips, real rear end and an even realler personality.

At the end of the night, everyones make up comes off.

What's with all the emails???

If you work in an office you can likely relate to this phenomenon.

People send emails about any and everything ... I'm really curious as to what happened prior to email in the workplace.

-Were there constant announcements over the office PA system like in elementary school?

-Did they have meetings and huddles any time there was cake in the break room or someone left their lights on, or there was a bake sale in the cafeteria?

-Was there an office messenger boy who went from department to department carrying messages like old yellar or the town crier?

I am genuinely curious about this.

The interesting thing is that, the messages you receive are not of a time sensitive nature, nor are they all that important or pertinent to you as an employee or individual.

This is why, when I come back from vacation to a sea of emails, instead of diving in and sifting through the rubble, I simple hold down the delete button until there's nothing left.

Don't even get me started on voicemail!

Bathroom Etiquette

Lesson #1 - while I'm standing at the john, holding my manhood, this is not the time to ask me: How my day is going? What I'm doing for the weekend? What's this discoloration? Can I help? Why you so big? or any other question of that nature. As a matter of fact, you should say nothing! I've heard people compare "taking a leak" to having sex (in terms of the release and feeling of relaxation). Keep that in mind, when you think to "make conversation" while I'm trying to relieve myself.

Have you ever ???

• been heartbroken


• (knowingly) broken someones heart


• been cheated on


• cheated on someone


• lied and even when caught continue to lie


• blamed someone else when you were to blame


• kept quiet when speaking up could have helped someone else


• lied about a sexual conquest


• lost you temper because you were rejected (by the opposite sex)


• stalked or overpursued someone you liked (until they lost interest)


• claimed to be something you're not


• tried to fit in at the expense of being yourself


• hidden from someone in a public place


• pretended to be on the phone to avoid talking to someone


• pretended to be on the phone to "look cool"

Do you really remember or you making it up???

Does anyone really remember their first kiss, the way it really happened?

I'm of the impression that people create memories in their mind. Call me a cynic but it's just something that I've noticed. Facts and truth are quickly distorted by fantasy and imagination.

When asked about a memory or an event in their past depending on the personality of the individual they might say "oh it was nothing special" and chances are it wasn't or they might say "it was amazing, the best ever!", to which I call BULLSHIT.

People (usually females, not always but often) have majestic stories about their first kiss, or romantic encounter. But get real, like most firsts it was likely, no it was definitely: awkward, uncomfortable, nervous, forced, bad, awkward, uncomfortable, unfamiliar and over before you knew it.

Yet, in their memories or at least in their story telling it goes a little something like this:

"It was a beautiful summer day... we were sitting on a grassy hill looking at the star, no watching the sun set and as it lowered over the horizon we stared into each others eyes lovingly (at 13) , as our heads moved closer and closer together, we each tilted at the perfect angle and our lips collided in harmonious bliss. Once the ecstasy was complete we dusted our bums off got onto our pedal bikes and rode home."

...but really, it went a little more like this:

"It was an overcast day in early fall ... we were walking home from school a few paces behind our group of friends, as we almost got to my street, he quickly grabbed my head and laid the most disgusting tongue wet, pepperoni stick scented, dry lipped kisses on my upper lip and partially opened mouth, before any of them could look back and wonder what was going on. No sooner had he lunged head first into mine, I was walking up my driveway face still wet and air drying, in disbelief and disgusted at what had just happened."

When I think about this phenomenon ... I don't believe its a conscious thing for people to lie about the past or their memories, I think it's more that they recount stories the way they would have liked it to be. However, that is not reality, nor is it your true history.

So next time someone is recounting their epic journey from virginity to womanhood and you can't help but snicker or question it's validity, know that you're not alone, I don't believe it either.

Highschool, Workplace ... what's the difference?

Is this an office building or a high school?

Next time you're in the office at work, take a look around and observe the interaction between people. Tell me if it doesn't feel strikingly familiar or like something you experienced before. Not sure what I'm talking about ... then look harder.

If you work in an office, have eyes and ears you should have quickly noticed, shortly after being hired, that it is very similar to high school. The parallels are not very easily missed, but if they have been allow me to point them out:

• there are cliques of individuals (cool group, brownnosers, rebels)


• break room, lunch room or cafeteria is divided into these groups


• jealousy among employees is similar to that of students (girls still bicker over the cute guy)


• your cubicle is the grown up equivalent to your locker (put up pictures, toys, souvenirs)


• smokers corner (where the cool kids hang)


• pizza day is still the highlight of any week


• meetings are equivalent to assemblies, where you get away from your desk and scope the members of the opposite sex that you don't see on a regular basis


• morning break is like recess or spare, people huddle and congregate in the cafeteria or hallways until management (principles) pass through, signaling return to your cubicle


• many people rep their work just as they did their school, but only for as long as they are employees there, if they change companies tomorrow, suddenly that's the best company ever


• a new employee is like Christmas for the guys or girls depending (like when a new kid transfers to your school)

These are just a few of the similarities that readily come to mind, I'm sure there are countless more. Likely this list has sparked some thoughts in your minds. Don't think for any reason I am pointing these things out as negatives or drawbacks of the workplace, I am simply making observations.

In fact, this realization should make the transition for students to the workplace that much easier, because it should all be very familiar to them.

Let us take a moment...to remember Bob Marley

On this date, in 1981, Robert Nesta Marley, passed away at the age of 36, due to Cancer.

There is no question that Bob is not only a legend in music, but in life, culture and religion. His legacy and music lives on through many of his 12 children; most notably, Damian, Steven and Ziggy. His music has touched and influenced many across the world either in it's original form or through the countless remakes by other artists. His name is synonamous with Jamaican culture and Rastafarian beliefs.

Bob Marley was a man well ahead of his time, in music and belief. Play one of his songs today and they resonate as strong, even stronger than they first did in the '60s.

We at twograsshoppers salute Mr. Robert Nesta Marley.