This is Christmas pt.2

I thought Christmas was a time about family, friends and good music ? What are you an idiot. Christmas is not about going to Church and being happy that Jesus Christ was born on December.25.2009, it is about rushing into any of the hungry retailers to buy your love for your family and extended family. It is the season of giving, and it encourages everyone to spend money that they don't have.

I personally do not like Christmas due to the media's glorification of consumerism and equating gifts with love. There is no such thing as Santa Claus and I am not, I repeat not raising my nephews or daughter with this Westernized marketing belief.
I figured this out when I was five years old. I had waited until 1 o'clock in the morning for Santa's Bitch ass to make his way down my chimney and did he, hell no. After that, I hated Santa Claus and anyone else stupid enough to believe in him. Similar to the Easter Bunny and any other bullshit marketing scheme I really like to look past all of these things and spend time with the people I love.

Love is not good enough in some cases. I mean what happens when you go to a family function and you don't have a gift for your " Secret Santa" (which is stupid mind you) you probably would be asked to leave or step aside.

Now as for the kids, I understand Christmas is a time to get what you wanted all year and blah blah blah, however if you are old enough to work or save up your allowance and buy it for yourself, don't expect a gift from me. Learn to hustle with your lazy ass.

Seriously though, all jokes aside it is getting worse and worse with this gift giving pressure. This year I don't expect a gift from anyone and won't even be mad if I don't get one. I make enough money so I can buy whatever I want or need on my own. I suggest you adopt the same principle and if your old ass is still expecting a gift like you are 8 years old, keep waiting.


Oh by the way Merry Christmas to all....

So This Is Christmas ?

#12 – Christmas songs actually make you spend money :: From malls to street corners the tunes of the holidays remind us that we have gifts to buy in order to show our holiday spirit

#11 – Jack frost nipping at your everything :: Shopping in cold weather sucks, but so does Christmas in a warm climate (I’m in San Diego…it just doesn’t feel right.)

#10 – Starbucks is the most festive place on earth :: With 6 disgustingly festive drinks, 10 holiday mix/remix CD’s, and a plethora of decorations and themed mugs, its almost the perfect place to shop for loved ones (relax…I said almost!)

#9 – Christmas lights cannot be left up all year :: It would be so much easier if we could just turn them off and leave them up for the other 11 months, but noooo!

#8 – There is no Santa! :: When you’re an adult, wish lists are like holiday order forms. You might as well give me a gift card and save me the effort of returning the uh…”surprise” you bought for me on the 24th.

#7 – There are not enough weekends in December :: People have started to send out “save the date” emails in October… that’s just not right.

#6 – Jingle guilt, jingle guilt, jingle makes you pay :: The same sad looking little old men and women get posted by the salvation army every year to ring jingle bells that remind us that we are evil if we don’t put something in the big red bucket.

#5 – There’s no tradition of dressing slutty :: Ladies, you do it for Halloween, why not Christmas. I’d be very happy to unwrap a present with little more than a bow on it.

#4 – Egg Nog and Brandy :: Contrary to popular belief, this combination makes NO ONE happy. Not even grandma.

#3 – Hoe Hoe Hoe :: Because Christmas music has no shame and you get the Top 5 Christmas Rap Albums featuring “Christmas on Death Row”…really?

#2 – You get judged by the size of your package :: Good things come in small packages only works if its jewelry.

#1 – And the number one reason Christmas sucks (but we love it anyway)…because we have to wait 353.25 days to do it all again.

This article has been referenced from:

http://www.dtelepathy.com/blog/news-events/12-reasons-christmas-sucks-but-we-love-it-anyway/

I can't believe I am not butter

Have you ever been in an awkward situation such as:

Being pulled over while your date's head is in your lap?

Getting caught stealing, in front of your best friends parents?

Having Sex with your girlfriend and forgetting to hang up the phone while your other friend listened ?

Falling asleep at a work training session ?

Falling asleep while teaching a class and when you wake up the entire class is gone.

Having hardcore sex with a girl you just met only to realize that it is your best friend's half-sister ?

Looking back at a girl and getting into an accident, hitting an old lady crossing the street ?

Sneezing all over yourself before walking into class to do a presentation ?

Awkward situations are not the best situations to be in, however I guarantee we will all face this at one point of our lives. The best thing you should do in these situations is simply laugh. I mean what else can you do. Life is to short so just take it one day at a time. Everything happens to Everyone. Don't single yourself out or feel that this only happens to you. Make the best of a bad situation and learn from your mistakes. What matters the most is that you live to see another day.

Two Grasshoppers: Californication !!!

I just wanted everyone please take a moment to watch this show if you have a chance it comes highly recommended and will keep your attention most definitely.

This show can be categorized as a "dramedy" and is doing a great job at putting out high quality comedy and the personification of life as we all know it.

I challenge you to a duel!!!

Imagine if everything was settled with a "Duel" like in the olden days. I'm not talking weapons or dirty tactics, I just mean a simple bare knuckle fight, like the movie "Fight Club"

For example:

Scenario 1:
You meet a girl and she says ... "I have a boyfriend", to which you reply, "Well have him meet me in the alley behind the club, I challenge him to a duel!"

Scenario 2:
You're at the mall during the Christmas rush, as you go to turn into the parking spot a lady in a piece of crap car tries to force herself into the space you were patiently waiting for ... you both exit your vehicles and settle it with a duel.

Scenario 3:
You walk into work late for the first time, after battling a snowstorm, bumper to bumper traffic and accidents scattered all over your route and your supervisor greets you, "Johnson, you're late I'm going to have to write you up", to which you smirk and reply, "Let's duel."

Now you tell me Mr or Mrs reader, would this not solve so many of the issues and "problems" we have on a daily basis? They would be very easily eliminated. A level of respect would be gained by all those who have dueled there way to the top and step over and around lesser competitors.

Sprite Anyone?

Highschool, Workplace ... what's the difference?

Is this an office building or a high school?

Next time you're in the office at work, take a look around and observe the interaction between people. Tell me if it doesn't feel strikingly familiar or like something you experienced before. Not sure what I'm talking about ... then look harder.

If you work in an office, have eyes and ears you should have quickly noticed, shortly after being hired, that it is very similar to high school. The parallels are not very easily missed, but if they have been allow me to point them out:

• there are cliques of individuals (cool group, brownnosers, rebels)


• break room, lunch room or cafeteria is divided into these groups


• jealousy among employees is similar to that of students (girls still bicker over the cute guy)


• your cubicle is the grown up equivalent to your locker (put up pictures, toys, souvenirs)


• smokers corner (where the cool kids hang)


• pizza day is still the highlight of any week


• meetings are equivalent to assemblies, where you get away from your desk and scope the members of the opposite sex that you don't see on a regular basis


• morning break is like recess or spare, people huddle and congregate in the cafeteria or hallways until management (principles) pass through, signaling return to your cubicle


• many people rep their work just as they did their school, but only for as long as they are employees there, if they change companies tomorrow, suddenly that's the best company ever


• a new employee is like Christmas for the guys or girls depending (like when a new kid transfers to your school)

These are just a few of the similarities that readily come to mind, I'm sure there are countless more. Likely this list has sparked some thoughts in your minds. Don't think for any reason I am pointing these things out as negatives or drawbacks of the workplace, I am simply making observations.

In fact, this realization should make the transition for students to the workplace that much easier, because it should all be very familiar to them.

Dating Etiquette

I know there is dating etiquette that is shared and understood by all, but what about those ambiguous situations or gray areas that make you question or wonder, "Is this ok?".

For example ...

• Is it wrong to date a girl and then later date her friend?


• At what point does "dating" several people become "cheating"?


• Is dating someone in your workplace really that bad? Really?


• What about dating someone that works at your workplace and then later dating someone else that works at your workplace? (or class at school)


• Dating a friend of your brother or sister?

At the end of the day, I'm sure that everyone has their own definition and morality of what's "right" and "wrong", but I can't help but wonder.

All of these situations are either personal to me or I've had friends or family who have faced them.

I think of it this way, what if your soulmate just happens to be your bestfriend's cousin's sister? Should you not pursue the future mother of your children, just because she works with you and sits next to your ex-girlfriend's mother?

Pickup Line Comebacks

1. After hearing a pickup line:
"I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

2. He says: "I know how to please a woman."
You say: "Then please leave me alone."

3. He says: "I can tell that you want me."
You say: "You're so right. I want you to leave."

4. He says: "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
You say: "Yes, and that's why I never went back."

5. He says: "Is this seat empty?"
You say: "Yes and this one will be too if you sit down."

Funny Nike Commercial

Balls Out Strategy!!!

Balls Out is a term we at the Two Grasshoppers which can be defined as being courageous, blunt or awkwardly bold with your style of dress, attitude or state of mind. It means being very brave and assertive when everyone else is too scared or fearful of being totally honest or outgoing.

Over the years, I have befriended a few individuals who use this strategy to the fullest in situations where everyone else is completly docile and passive. I will now take the time to give you a few examples of how to employ this mind state and use it to your advantage throughout your daily life.

1. If Someone's breath stinks tell them... BALLS OUT!!
2. If someone has food in their teeth tell them....BALLS OUT!!!
3. If your girlfriends parent's do not like you for any reason talk to them about it...BALLS OUT!!!
4. If you can't get along with your parents MOVE OUT....BALLS OUT!!!!
5. If you get your girlfriend pregnant, don't run be a man and take care of your responsibilities...BALLS OUT!
6. If you get laid off from your job, don't panic and find another one immediately...BALLS OUT!
7. If you hate your job..simple quit it and find another one...BALLS OUT!!!!

I hope everyone get's the point. I wrote this in between breaks at work.. Remember when life through's you lemon's....collect them and throw them at people you can't stand....

Top 10: Signs that you need sleep

1. Your head is bucking vigorously

2. You crash your vehicle while driving because you fell asleep

3. You wake up in your dinner after falling asleep in it

4. You fall asleep inside of your girlfriend while making love

5. You fall asleep at work and are woken up by your boss

6. You fall asleep on the train and wake up on the other side of town

7. You fall asleep standing up

8. You fall asleep while waiting for a red light

9. You fall asleep in mid sentence

10.You fall asleep in the shower

WARNING!!! Public Service Announcement

There have been sightings of individuals who are male but act very feminine, who act tough but are softer than Yop! (the yogurt drink), who the only thing they floss are their teeth, who couldn't make a decision at the drive thru let alone in life. LOL!

Many individuals are infected with BITCHASSNESS.

Pull your skirts down, pull your pants up, tighten your belts and try to avoid falling victim to this widely spreading disease. Avoid speaking directly to an infected person, being too honest, frank or blunt, because their feelings are easily hurt.

This has been a PSA brought to you by That Guy @ thetwograsshoppers.

Would you?!?!

The other day was talking to my friend and we were talking about coming from such large families that we don't know who could be our distant cousin male or female as we go through life. Becuase, in some cases we've never met them or even know they exist. This got me thinking ...

Would you ever...

1. date a distant cousin? ("I didn't know, I swear, I didn't know!")


2. follow your girlfriend when she has a "girls night" out? ("Oh, I always hang out at the male strip club ... you didnt know?")


3. date someone your friend already had? ("You did? Really? When? I don't rememeber.)


4. finish your dates meal when they go to the washroom? ("Chick ... I'm paying for this sh!t")


5. ask a bad date for gas money? ("Gas, Ass or cash ... no one rides for free.")


6. cancel a date 30mins before you're suppose to meet? ("I just changed my mind.")


7. film a sexual act and not tell the other person ("Red light? What red light?)


8. answer your partner's phone, check their voicemail and then delete msg ("7 is delete? Oh, my bad.")


9. date 2 friends, but not tell one about the other ("Was that wrong? I had no idea that was frowned upon.")


10. fantasize about your mother? ("I'm not disgusting, haven't you heard of Freud, I'm sophisticated")


11. said something and then wish you could take it back, then think to yourself F*ck it? (Is it MY fault that you're offended, really?")

Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear During Sex PT.2

1. Hurry Up!
2. Can you cum already !
3. That's It?
4. So When are you gonna put it in?
5. Am I in or...?
6. Wrong Hole !!!
7. Stop it your hurting me !!!
8. Is the condom still on ?
9. I didn't take my pill today just so you know (after you orgasm)
10. My parents are home

* Bonus- 11. Harder Trevor and your name is Mike

Don't Let Facebook Ruin Your Relationship

A Great Way To Get Telemarketers Off Your Phone!!

Tired of dealing with Telemarketers.... try this strategy.

Now this is absolute genius. I was surfing the net earlier today at work and I stumbled upon this video which made me laugh. Enjoy!!!!!

Where is summer?

After looking outside and sighing for the tenth time today (not to mention this month) I have came to the conclusion that we are not having summers in Toronto anymore just spring.

I don't know what else to do. I mean I wake up in the morning and check CP24 one of my most favourite channels and the weather forecast is a question mark. The meteorologists are confused and the Sun has metaphorically been riding the pine for the last two summers. Winter is like LeBron James or Kobe Bryant on a shooting streak (here to stay).

Hopefully we can get atleast a few weeks of summer like we used to. I don't know man i guess vacations are in order......

Star and Bucwild: Drunk Texting Episode

I have been a victim of drunk texting before and I have also been the suspect too. It is fucking embarrassing.

What is a stupid investment!!!

Is this the some ignorant shit or what???? 

Shout out to T-Pain for Coon of the week. You have now beaten 30 Rock's Tracey Jordan who has been Number 1 for a record breaking two months.

For more pics please go to: http://bossip.com/119993/coon-of-the-day-t-pain-and-his-big-chain/#more-119993

http://bossip.com/119993/coon-of-the-day-t-pain-and-his-big-chain/#more-119993