F*#\ the double standards.

When a female is angry, frustrated or annoyed with you, in their minds, this is a free pass to say or do anything they please, regardless of how rude or disrespectful. This may include any or all of the follow: hang up the phone, walk away from the table in the middle of a restaurant, raise their voice at you, hit you, spit in your face or confide in another man. What many of these woman fail to realize is the possibility that you did not intend to offend or upset them and even more that you may not be aware that you have done so.
At the very least, I think woman (anyone really, but lets focus on woman right now), should speak their mind in a healthy open way, letting their friend, lover, partner, husband or concubine know their feelings or opinion.
Arresting someone who may be guilty of nothing or of many crimes is unjust especially when they are unaware of what crime they have committed and more so if the laws are unknown. Imagine being arrested, detained, castrated for not putting down the toilet seat, being too nice to your girlfriend’s friend, making a joke that she didn’t find funny, smiling to the cashier, mortgage broker, dental hygienist or any female person in the world, without the expressed written consent of your girlfriend or wife, ridiculous right?
I thought so.
Ladies I ask you to check your egos at the door. Stop thinking you can get away with murder because of the power you possess between your legs. While you’re a woman, I’m a man, this does not negate the fact that in order for us to coexist in a civil, loving, progressive way, we need to treat and respect each other as equals and communication is key!

When ladies drink ... too much

As told from a female perspective ...

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATS US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ... or THE BATHMAT ?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

Can you think of any others that come to mind? Either from your own personal experience or stories you've heard? How do guys act and what do they do when they've had too much to drink?

Friends with benefits.

Friends with benefits do not work. Ever! Doubt me? Here are the reasons why.

1. There is an expiry date. While this may work for both of you know, it will eventually get old. Not because you want the other person to be your significant other, but because as humans our natural inclination or focus is for some form of progress. A stagnant relationship based purely on sexual interaction will be fun and enjoyable until you hear about or see your peers enjoying real, grown up relationships.
   
2. One of you will break the deal. In any relationship of this nature, it is understood that this is a purely physical agreement, however, regardless of how many times this is reiterrated, one of the parties will break the deal and invite their emotions to the bedroom. This is not the type of threesome your partner was suggesting.
   


3. They never end well. Either for the reasons above or the one I'm about to mention, they never end well. Ultimately the friend with benefits is just a place holder, a seat filler, someone holding a spot in line. So when you do meet someone that you actually want to have a relationship with, or see a future with you end your arrangement with you friend. This will leave them upset, feeling cheated, disappointed that you didn't pick them.
   


4. Feelings could develop.That's very true, they could. Ed McMahon could bring a suitcase of money to you (instead of that stupid oversized sweepstakes cheque) and pigs could be the ultimate form of flight transportation in the future. Sorry excuse my scenism, but I'm a strong believer in self fulfilling prophecies. If I have in my mind that you're just a "toy" I'm going to think of you that way, it'll be hard for me to adjust my thinking to treat you like a true potential mate all of a sudden.
   


5. Sex is not enough. Although this is the cornerstone of this whole arrangement. It's not enough. One day your friend will say something that makes you question their intentions or is a complete turn off or you find disrespectful and you'll think to yourself, the sex just isn't worth it. As you mature, your priorities change, you may learn self control and you may realize sex is not a need but rather a want.

These are the reasons why I don't think these arrangements are such a good idea. What are your thoughts? Do you think friends with benefits can co-exist for an extended period? Is it ok to go on dates with your "friend"? Why was this ever thought to be a good idea?

Hustler's Creed

"Hustler's don't sleep, we rest one eye up..." - Jay-Z

"Don't sleep cause sleep is the cousin of death ... " - Nas

Avoid complacency, laziness and inactivity at all costs, there is always something that you could be doing. Time that could be better spent.

While you're busy sleeping, there is someone out there working and getting things done!

Success = Hardwork + Determination

"You shouldn't throw stones ...

... if you live in a glass house. If you've got a glass jaw, you should watch your mouth." -50 cent

I find it very interesting and more so ironic how people are so unforgiving and offended when someone else does the wrong thing and gets caught. The same wrong thing that they themselves are accustomed to doing. All of a sudden now, seems like they feel since the other person has been exposed they have been absolved of their sins and wrong doings.

Confused as to what I'm talking about? Here are a few examples...

1) the office flirt and admitted cheat (who won't leave her live in fiance/common law husband because they have pets together although she no longer loves him), has an opinion to give on the "adulterous Tiger Woods" and how "he should be ashamed of himself"

Umm .... really? You lost your opportunity to give an opinion when you started sleeping with Lenny from Accounting.

2) the overweight guy at the gym who spends all the time talking and socializing instead of running the Boston Marathon on the treadmill or climbing to the top of the CN Tower on the stairmaster, has an opinion to give on Charles Barkley gaining a lot of weight since he retired and Al Roker having his stomach stabled saying "go to the gym, if I can do it then so can you"

Umm... really? If your favorite waitresses from all of your favorite restaurants didn't workout at the gym, would you even be there?

3) the girl/chameleon/shapeshifter/makeup monster who is your friend by association, more of an acquaintance, questions your opinion of a beautiful woman at the party who you are about to approach, asking, "Does she really need to wear all that makeup? I'm sure she'd be prettier without it?"

Umm ... really? REALLY? You're opinion doesn't matter. You took a part time job at MAC makeup in the mall to get discounts on makeup, even though you are a successful lawyer making 6 figures a year. Your makeup collection has it's own room. The movies contact you to do the makeup for Aliens part 17. Your own mother doesn't recognize you some days ...

I'm done ...

At the very least I hope this was an education for some of you.

What do you guys think? Can you relate to what I'm talking about? Does the lady at your church who matches orange with purple and brown always have something to say about what "Miss Molly is wearing"?

Most Common Breakup Techniques

1. The Disappearing Act - no he/she is not a magician, but chances are if you haven't heard from them in a while (no text, no phone call, no email, no letter, no sign language) or seen them, you have fallen victim to this tactic. Usually this method is reserved for the young, immature, unable to be honest and upfront person, but is not exclusive to them. Do not try to track this person down or find out why they "disappeared" just let it go and move on.
2. The "I'm getting back with my ex" - while this may mean, they have a history with their previous lover, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, that is stronger than any new relationship they are forming with you, it may also be a cop out. If you are aware that this person is recently single or out of a relationship, they can keep this little nugget in their back pocket as a way to escape you and either go back to their ex or say that they are, without much argument from you, because who can argue with love?
3. The "It's not you it's me" - while this may be the most popular break up line in the history of relationships, understand that while this is not the best way to say it, it means, "Don't take it personal, but this is just not working for me". When you consider the alternative, would you rather hear this or that "Your breath stinks, you don't move during sex, we've gone out 6 times and you've worn the same thing 3 of those times, I like your sister better, or what was your friends number again?". If someone is lame enough to give you this line, then do you really want to be with them or wonder why?
4. The Intentionally Getting Caught - is often reserved for couples that have been in a long term relationship, where over the course there have been trust issues or concerns about infidelity. One party will conveniently leave their phone unlocked or laying around, knowing that your curiousity will force you to read their text messages or emails; sparking an argument about what was found or about the lack of trust in the relationship. Either way this argument will inevitably end in break up, because this is what the instigator is aiming for.
5. The "I need to find myself, not ready to settle down" - is usually implemented in younger relationships where individuals really do need to find themselves or determine who they are, before settling down for life at the age of 15 during their first "young love". However, many older individuals steal this technique for their younger counterparts under the guise that they too fear long term commitment often blaming it on their parents divorce or being poorly treated by the opposite sex. In fact, they just want to play the field, date whoever and relive their youth that they missed while being in a long term relationship through their adolescent years.

Maybe I'm wrong and the club or bar IS the best place to find your soulmate.

Am I the only one sick of the same old night life?

Clubs are full of makeup covered, perfume drenched over gel'd, sloppy drunk males and females.

Many of the women do not want to be approached, smiled at, or even within a few feet of the men. The men do not want to do anything other than approach, smile at and be within a few inches of the women.

The music is playing too loud for you to even clearly understand a person's name, "Candy? Sandy? Mandy? ohhh Denise", let alone have a real conversation. (I used to love loud music, all the time, I had a system in my car that used to set off car alarms as I drove down my street, seriously). So what does that leave, sexual and physical attraction ONLY.

Let me tell you when I was in my late teens and early 20s that was not more than enough, that was IT! "Me like her body" to which her reaction in my mind was "Me like his body" and from there it was all over except for the awkward morning after.

I know I've gotten older because that caveman mentality has faded. Don't get me wrong, I still have primal, animalistic attractions, desires and urges like anyone else, but there's got to be more to it, right?

Girls say, "I go to the club to dance and have fun with my friends." To which I must declare, BULLSHIT. Sure you dance amidst ogling the men and suggestive staring over at them with your come hither eyes, until one of them tries to talk to you and you tell them you're not interested, have a boyfriend or are married.

I used to wonder why, but then I figured it out, girls, love to feel like they can still attract a man, even if they are in a long term committed relationship or even lesbian for that matter. They just want to know that IF they were interested, they could have a man. We call that "ego-trippin'".

Men on the other hand, didn't just come out to dance or have a drink, well sometimes they just come out for a drink, but rarely. The only time you ever find me in one of these establishments is for a friends birthday or if I've been convinced and foolishly comply to the "Give it a try, it's not that bad, this place is really different, it's nice!"

I've always wondered if there are many stories at weddings or to children when asked, "How did you guys meet? or Where did you meet mum, dad? that start off with, "I was standing across the busy club and saw her standing on the bar shaking her goodies" or "She was standing in the kiddie bath tub in the middle of the bar water dripping from her body, as she raised the beer mug she had just won in the wet t-shirt content."

Poetic Thoughts

Remember when I cared what you had to say?

When this love of ours was new,
When I used to call just to ask "How do you do?"
And say the things I knew you wanted to hear
You realizing I was lying was my only fear

Remember when I cared what you had to say?

And I asked you about your day
I patiently sat there listening in the most attentive way
Smiling and nodding out of an apparent genuine interest
But now I'm here thinking, "How can I get out of here to see my mistress?"

Remember when I cared what you had to say?

You used to say, "Don't go", and I'd listen
Now, I'm out the door, before you can realize I'm missing.
Sneeking back in before you wake
Staggering, I'm tipsy and even half baked

Remember when I cared what you had to say?

I used to tell you to mind your own business as I walked away.
We used to laugh and joke and be at each others throats the next day.
You whispered, "Bye", now that you've had enough and gone your own way
Door closes behind you, as I mute the TV and I ask, "What'd you say?"

You hear me through the door, but don't turn back, thinking to yourself...
"Remember when you cared what I had to say?"

Hello??? Anybody there?

Some days we at twograsshoppers can't help but wonder if anyone is reading our blog.

We know they are because the hits keep increasing and people keep commenting on the posts telling me how ridiculous,, informative and witty we are (takes a bow) and laughing at the observations we make and opinions we have.

Well share your thought, right here on the page!

There is a comment option so you can let us know how great you think the post is, how you agree with everything we say, how you wish you could see pictures of the authors, how you wish there was an address for you to send your undergarments (referring to the ladies), how you think we're the dumbest, most sexest, ignorant people ... well you catch my drift.

LEAVE COMMENTS ...

...or we might go on work to rule like high school teachers did back in the day. (It's the stage before strike, when they used to do the bare minimum only, no extras ... almost like a conservative stripclub.)

He's being too nice, something's up.

I was talking to a lady friend of mine and she let me in on a little secret about you ladies.

She told me that in a relationship many woman are constantly under the impression they are being cheated on and that's just based off of their own insecurities. She went on to explain that when guys do nice things like buy flowers, surprise them with a gift or take them some place nice, this exacerbates this feeling as they think he is trying to make up for "doing wrong".

If he's being too nice, chances are he's cheating. Really????

I was like "WOW!", but then I thought about it, I wasn't really shocked by what she said, I just thought it was kind of dumb and kind of funny at the same time. If you take a this situation at face value, this suggests one of two things:

1. "Men, go out there and cheat." - Why? Because in her eyes you already are. So why not have some of the pleasure to counter the cold shoulder and sexless bed that awaits you at home. Don't feel guilty, because you're just doing what she expects of you.


2. "No more Mr. Nice Guy." - You always hear the cliche "nice guys finish last", but it really seems like it's true (in this situation at least). If you are a genuinely nice guy and you do and say nice things, because that's just how you feel, she likely thinks you're a male sex worker outside of your relationship, so ease up on the niceties.

Conversely, you can be patient with your lady and teach her and help her to learn to trust you. This does not mean you calling, texting, bbm-ing, sending smoke signals or Morse coding, giving her the play by play of your life and every move you make when you're not with her. But, instead, being open and honest in your relationship. Some of her insecurities you can help her to overcome, others she will have to work on herself, just be there to support her.

Seeeee..., That Guy has a sensitive side.

What'd I do?!

While I may have done somethng wrong and you have a justified reason for being upset with me, at the very least ladies please lets me know, "What'd I do?"

The worst feeling is when you're mad at someone or upset with something someone did and they are completely oblivious or unaware that they upset you.

I always say, it takes more energy for you to be mad at someone, than it does for that person to know that you're mad at them. You're busy acting differently, intentionally "not talking to him", stomping around and dialing and hanging up because, "I'm not calling him".

At the very least, tell them what they did wrong. This way it's on them to apologize or correct their actions for the future. Don't go to bed angry. Think, "will this argument even matter in the next 10mins", especially if you're getting mad or upset with him for being honest!

Example:
"Damn, your mom is very pretty, I see where you got your genes."
"What'd you do to your hair, I liked it the way it was."

I don't mind being "in trouble" just tell me what I did.

I challenge you to a duel!!!

Imagine if everything was settled with a "Duel" like in the olden days. I'm not talking weapons or dirty tactics, I just mean a simple bare knuckle fight, like the movie "Fight Club"

For example:

Scenario 1:
You meet a girl and she says ... "I have a boyfriend", to which you reply, "Well have him meet me in the alley behind the club, I challenge him to a duel!"

Scenario 2:
You're at the mall during the Christmas rush, as you go to turn into the parking spot a lady in a piece of crap car tries to force herself into the space you were patiently waiting for ... you both exit your vehicles and settle it with a duel.

Scenario 3:
You walk into work late for the first time, after battling a snowstorm, bumper to bumper traffic and accidents scattered all over your route and your supervisor greets you, "Johnson, you're late I'm going to have to write you up", to which you smirk and reply, "Let's duel."

Now you tell me Mr or Mrs reader, would this not solve so many of the issues and "problems" we have on a daily basis? They would be very easily eliminated. A level of respect would be gained by all those who have dueled there way to the top and step over and around lesser competitors.

Shiny and brand new or old and reliable...

When you get a new car, you can't help but be impressed by all the new features, the shiny paint job, the bigger rims and plush seats, but at the same time you often can't help but compare it to you old car that you traded in or don't drive anymore.

This is the same way I feel with woman and dating.

While it's fun and exciting to test drive and date new woman, it's also frustrating when you can't find what you're looking for. As you drive home from another soso date, you can't help but think, maybe I should just keep my old chick and work on making her better. Those around you might convince you that newer is better and that there's a reason you've been looking for a new girl and that the old one has let you down for the last time, you can't help but be on the fence about this decision.

Tell you the truth, it's kind of depressing, but I'm not the type of person to sit in the corner and sulk and you shouldn't be either. Which leads me to me next question: What to do? Should I then keep both the old car and buy the new one? This way having the best of both worlds. Drive the old some days and new other days, or see the old after the soso date with the new?

While that does seem like a very good idea and potentially solves any potential problem of being unsatisfied with the deficiencies of the old car, or unimpressed with the computer run robotic feel of the new car. It does not account for the reasons why you wanted to get rid of the old car in the first place, those reasons and concerns still exist. Also, give the world and technology credit there may very well be a better woman with all the features you want and none of the ones you don't, that handles better, feels nicer and fits you just right.

Solution, I'm a keep the old reliable until I find the bright shiny brand new one that fits me right.

Relaaaxxxx...

It's crazy how we can get all worked up, nervous with butterflies in our stomachs over job interviews, first dates, presentations, meeting the parents or a break-up; when no sooner does it happen, it's over.

After days, weeks, or even months of agonizing, the 5, 10, or 15 minutes it takes for the initial discomfort to wear off, you feel fine and relaxed. Leaving you wondering, "what was I getting so worked up about in the first place".

We've all experienced this, but yet whenever faced with an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation the same feelings and emotions occur. People are generally afraid of being put on the spot or being the centre of attention in front of people they don't know or are unfamiliar with.

My suggestion to you is when you start to feel nervous, anxious or uncomfortable about a situation that has not yet happened:

1. take a deep breath
2. run through in your mind the reasons why you feel this way
3. be confident in who you are
4. use the opportunity to assert yourself
5. showcase who you are
6. smile!

By breathing, you're telling your body to relax. Going through the reasons why you feel nervous, or uncomfortable may make you realize how silly you're being. If you are confident in who you are, this will reduce or eliminate the fear of not been respected. As you assert yourself, people will be encouraged to respect you and this will also help to boost your own confidence. Showcasing who you are, will give your audience the feeling of being at "your show", where you're the star. Finally, smiling is the most disarming thing you can do, aggression, tension, resistance can all often be calmed with a smile or a laugh.

And finally ... just relax, what's the worst that could happen?

What's the difference between a joke and a lie?

Has anyone ever had you believe something that was not true for an extended period of time, then to say once you confront them about it ... "it was a joke".

That's not a joke, that's what you call a LIE.

To me ... a joke is meant to be shared and enjoyed at the time it is made (except for those slow people who get it a few hours later). (ex "What did the hand say to the face? SMACK!")

Conversely ... a lie is stating something opposite to or in direct contradiction to the truth.

I know I've been guilt of saying the most random ridiculous things and to help the audience feel less offensive, break the tension with a "just joking". But that's completely different.

Ex. "I want to have a threesome with you and your sister."
"What?!?!?"
"Just joking"
-funny-

Versus

Ex. "I think I might have given you something, you should go to the doctor right away and get checked out, because I'm on my way now ... I'm so sorry"
"Damn! Ok thanks for the heads up."
(Week or 2 later)
"Did you get checked out? haha ..."
"Yeah I did, whats so funny?"
"Hahaha ... I was only joking."
-not funny-

Heads up to all lying jokers. The next person who tells a joke lie to me ... I'm going to calmly raise my hand from my side, if in that time you don't realize what is happening, I'm sure you soon will.

Have you ever ???

• been heartbroken


• (knowingly) broken someones heart


• been cheated on


• cheated on someone


• lied and even when caught continue to lie


• blamed someone else when you were to blame


• kept quiet when speaking up could have helped someone else


• lied about a sexual conquest


• lost you temper because you were rejected (by the opposite sex)


• stalked or overpursued someone you liked (until they lost interest)


• claimed to be something you're not


• tried to fit in at the expense of being yourself


• hidden from someone in a public place


• pretended to be on the phone to avoid talking to someone


• pretended to be on the phone to "look cool"

Do you really remember or you making it up???

Does anyone really remember their first kiss, the way it really happened?

I'm of the impression that people create memories in their mind. Call me a cynic but it's just something that I've noticed. Facts and truth are quickly distorted by fantasy and imagination.

When asked about a memory or an event in their past depending on the personality of the individual they might say "oh it was nothing special" and chances are it wasn't or they might say "it was amazing, the best ever!", to which I call BULLSHIT.

People (usually females, not always but often) have majestic stories about their first kiss, or romantic encounter. But get real, like most firsts it was likely, no it was definitely: awkward, uncomfortable, nervous, forced, bad, awkward, uncomfortable, unfamiliar and over before you knew it.

Yet, in their memories or at least in their story telling it goes a little something like this:

"It was a beautiful summer day... we were sitting on a grassy hill looking at the star, no watching the sun set and as it lowered over the horizon we stared into each others eyes lovingly (at 13) , as our heads moved closer and closer together, we each tilted at the perfect angle and our lips collided in harmonious bliss. Once the ecstasy was complete we dusted our bums off got onto our pedal bikes and rode home."

...but really, it went a little more like this:

"It was an overcast day in early fall ... we were walking home from school a few paces behind our group of friends, as we almost got to my street, he quickly grabbed my head and laid the most disgusting tongue wet, pepperoni stick scented, dry lipped kisses on my upper lip and partially opened mouth, before any of them could look back and wonder what was going on. No sooner had he lunged head first into mine, I was walking up my driveway face still wet and air drying, in disbelief and disgusted at what had just happened."

When I think about this phenomenon ... I don't believe its a conscious thing for people to lie about the past or their memories, I think it's more that they recount stories the way they would have liked it to be. However, that is not reality, nor is it your true history.

So next time someone is recounting their epic journey from virginity to womanhood and you can't help but snicker or question it's validity, know that you're not alone, I don't believe it either.

Communication is the key

Yeah yeah yeah ... communication is the key to every successful relationship, we've heard that before. But, what I most people don't know is that it isn't about how much you say but whether each person grasps the other's perspective.

If your partner is a reluctant talker, you may be unwittingly fueling his reticence. When they states their case, do you launch a counterattack? Criticize their reasoning? Get upset? If so, they may keep quiet for a reason.

The most useful communication technique of all time is deceptively simple, but it works like magic. Next time your partner makes a point, take a moment to digest whatever they are saying. Then say it back to them. Maybe not word for word, but you have to get the gist—and you can't stop trying until your partner agrees you've nailed it. Switch roles and repeat. Once you're not so busy explaining yourself to someone who just doesn't get it, you can look for compromise.

This technique is courtesy of Oprah.com, so I suggest you take it with a grain of salt. But, I'm sure we can all remember a time when you were trying to get someone to understand yourperspective or put themselves in you shoes. Give it a try.